I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
