It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
