The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
