Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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