So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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