Apparently you make a good broom.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
