Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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