i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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