Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I will be naked everywhere
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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