Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
