Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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