he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
