I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
