Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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