Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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