Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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