I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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