opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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