her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
