flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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