It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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