Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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