Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
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Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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