its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize