she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Randomize
