My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
