Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
