i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
