Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
