you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
