I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
