At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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