We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
