i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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