Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
