Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
