please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
