Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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