god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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