My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
