They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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