The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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