I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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