I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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