My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
