My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
