I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
