he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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