Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
