i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
