I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
