if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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