From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
