we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
