it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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