so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
