I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
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