Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My vagina is officially offended.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
we're so committed to being not committed
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